Welcome to the Present Fathers podcast.
This is the show that focuses on climbing the mountain of fatherhood
together.
We believe that dads matter.
That's why this show is for you.
So gear up, dads. Get ready.
It's time to start climbing.
Welcome to another episode of the Present Fathers podcast.
Our guest today is the incredible Daniel Yoshimi, a renowned
life coach, and the driving force behind Dad is Progress coaching.
Daniel's dedication to empowering men as better leaders within their households
has inspired countless fathers to strengthen their familial bonds
and embrace the roles with intentionality and love.
His expertise extends far beyond this, though
coaching individuals are vital topics such as overcoming porn addiction,
recovering and reconnecting with family, addressing trauma, fostering forgiveness,
nurturing their inner child and unlocking the power of semantics.
With his transformative guide, the Ultimate Guide to End porn addiction
and reconnect with your family, Daniel has impacted the lives of many fathers,
guiding them through personal growth
and helping them establish lasting legacies of love and strength.
Welcome, Daniel, to our podcast.
We really appreciate you coming on tonight.
So Daniel, tell us a little bit about yourself.
They'll make any fan.
Justin
My and got
thank you for the beautiful introduction.
Yeah.
I move to us 23 years ago I was 22
and we were, I was working a surf shop
and we got robbed really bad.
You know, my manager got shot.
Crazy Brazil stuff.
And I was like, I got to get out of here.
And then we moved to California.
Move actually, to Santa Barbara, where I live today.
And it was great, you know, just living the life.
Surfing was one of the biggest thing in my life.
It is.
And then a few years passed.
I went back to Brazil and
my dad call me and say I got to talk to you.
And my dad never talked to me.
And I was like, Whoa, this is something.
So I remember going to his room.
He shut the door.
There was nobody there, but he shut the door, sit here.
And I was like, wow, what's what's going on here?
And he said, You know, your sister,
your younger sister is not my daughter.
And I was like, What?
Hold on.
Because my whole life I've know that my daughter,
he was the father of my both sisters.
And, you know,
he said he tried to take care of her for a few years,
but he couldn't handle it and he had to bail. And then
fast forward,
you know, I was about 25 years old.
He tells me that.
So that day, I my God, my heart broken.
What happened was
I was expecting my mom to tell me
because I went back to my mom and see mom.
Why didn't you ever tell me that?
I didn't say that, but that was my question.
I was like, in that day, I felt my mom betrayed me.
So my love story changed completely.
I could only see love anymore.
And it's easy to say that I couldn't receive love.
But really feeling the love
is really powerful.
When talk about semantics, semantics is the biggest challenge
for my clients to really dive diving and say, Let's do breathwork,
Let's put your hands on the heart, let's sue.
What's going on?
No, we as a man, when is still in the head.
No, it's fine. I'm okay. And that's how I view it.
I was like, You know what?
It's okay.
My mom, I know that she loves me.
I am in her house right now.
We still love each other.
But from that day,
my love story, my love connection,
change.
Ten years after I get marry, have my first kid.
Second kid.
I never had very good intimacy.
I was cheating all my relationships after that event,
and I didn't know that
few years ago.
I became a couple of years ago, I became a life coach
and I was like,
Whoa, I got to go and dive deep in what's going on.
So pornography,
it was something that was a normal thing, which is watch some pornography.
It's okay. It gets me excited. I can
create more connection with my wife
because I, you know, I get hyper, I have this dopamine.
So I have all these
wrong
understanding of what love is, love, greed and connections.
And I, I always wanted to be a father.
There was no question about so
couple years ago, become a life coach.
Do all this work with fathers,
start like working pornography more with some clients?
And then I was like, What I want to do is empowering fathers because I became one.
I became a father that's present and I love the name of the podcast.
If there's one thing you got to do in your life is being presence Present
is the biggest gift you can give to any one mother, your wife, everyone.
If you give it up your presence to someone, it's a gift, especially today.
So much information, you know, like it's everywhere is information.
Everybody's on the phone. Like when you give your present look in the eyes
and say, Hey, I hear you.
I feel you and I.
I have no idea what that is.
That was so to my process, you know, before I became a life
coach, I went to containers, you know, chunk of money.
Like, I want to do this.
I want to get better.
But and just going back here,
the presence was something that I didn't have it.
And just go reward.
Ten years ago, I open a restaurant.
I opened the famous $1 million business rights.
Everybody says, I don't know when you look
at that, really destroy my life too.
I learned so much, but I was not present.
And that was one of the things when the pandemic came,
I'm kind of going all over.
But just to finish this part, when the pandemic came, I started to work
a lot less and they start towards
the present with my kids.
I'm getting emotional now because it feels like,
Oh man, I see you as a father because I left. Then
I was in the restroom.
They were, you know, many times there.
They grew up in the restaurant.
And then pandemic came.
I was working less, less, less.
They started managing the restroom through home.
When pandemic was ending and business is coming up again.
I have to work more.
I like I was lost, was like, I don't know if I want to do this.
And that's when I signed up for my first container of coaching.
I have a friend, I have a lot of friends now, but I have a friend that was a coach.
He also works with Man, which is beautiful.
He does rite of passage.
It's which I'm doing one It's four days
without food by yourself on the dessert.
I'm super scared
and I call him
and he's like, Dude, go for it, do it.
And after I do the container, I was like, You know what?
We have to move out from the restaurant
and I'm going to, you know, do coaching.
That's what I want to do.
I want to just and that time I didn't know that I would be fatherhood.
But then I started diving to it and I was like, That's what I want to do it.
So I said, Just has a question.
I know the chance here.
So yeah. Oh,
does your you go, you, us, you guys got to change names.
I know. Yeah. It's too close.
So, Daniel, how does watching pornography lead to a father not being present?
What is the mechanism that causes that?
So it can be many things.
Okay, Each.
Each problem.
You know, I hate when I see those.
Just join my program and
you're going to finish your pornography addiction.
It's usually a trauma story that we have it, but
I'll give you a few examples so you can you can see.
So when you watching pornography, first of all, you're doing you hiding that,
you know, doing in front of your kids, you know, doing in front of your wife.
So you're not being on it
right there.
And that's one of my my values in life.
You've got to let's be honest here, right?
I want my kids to feel not even see kids learn by example.
And they feel it's a lot of the things we don't understand about is semantics.
The kids are
champions on semantics.
They scream, they yell, they do all that.
Now. Now, for our for our listeners, what is semantics?
Can you go through that real quick?
And then we'll kind of step back into the process of the porn.
Basically is how the body speaks.
For example, before I come to the podcast, I was like, anxious, right?
So I'm going to go into my body was like, Oh, I feel anxious.
I acknowledge that.
So it's a very huge concept, but basically is the body is speaking.
When we start to like few extent, you start to go,
Oh, here we go in the body, because the body keeps the whole trauma.
Our the trauma is too much for our head.
We cannot cope with that, especially if it's like sexual abuse,
car accidents, many traumas.
It goes to the body and gives store on the body.
So we need to process that.
You know, I have a story about that.
I thought quick, I ruptured my Achilles
and I was 36.
I was feet anyhow.
I was like, what the heck is going on?
By the time I did it, I was like, Oh, just the injury.
Because I work out a lot.
I teach martial arts,
surf, all this.
But later on, after my coach, I'm like,
I was emotionally destroyed that age.
And that was it came out.
People like, Oh really?
Okay, well, that's a little part of the semantics.
When we really started to understand and see what your body
that answer your question.
Yeah.
So you're listening to the the the natural behaviors of your physical body.
Okay, great. So I'm sorry.
Let's go back to the pornography and how it takes away from being present.
Yeah.
So the integrity is the first one because, you know, you're not going to use
with the you know, you're going to say my wife, hey, can I use the pornography?
Maybe there is a call center.
And that's a little okay, it's fine.
That's a health use of pornography.
You know, when you
when of consent, when you're doing, you know, you present on doing that thing.
But usually it's not.
I have some numbers here that, you know,
it's insane The pornography industry is scary.
35% of the downloads on the Internet is pornography.
So let's not even go there
because that's the numbers are super easy.
We can go after go as that does in here.
So that's one thing.
Integrity.
Second thing I am objectifying the woman.
What that means I'm taking the women to a sex object.
Why that?
Because I see this pornography.
I have a huge dopamine hits like Wow, man, that was amazing.
And I go to my wife and I'm having sex.
Think about that.
So I'm not connecting at all with her.
She's just an object of sex.
Of course, we don't realize that.
Trying to get in one more example here,
the lack of intimacy,
I think it comes to really understand what intimacy is if your wife as well.
So when you using pornography, your intimacy is getting away
from each other because you're not creating connections,
you objectifying the woman, you're not telling her the truth.
So there's so many things that is going to take your presence away.
And you know, it's so shady because you have to hide the thing.
The problem is pornography, the access is so easy for Google here.
That's something I'm sure something's going to come up and for free.
It's unfortunate, but that's the reality.
So so what I hear you saying is that that basically there's a lot
of guilt and shame
for a man when they're hiding
their addiction and they don't want to put it in the light
because, you know, it just creates more shame and guilt.
Right.
And that on the flip side of that, the more that they engage in pornography,
the more unrealistic expectations they have of their of their wife
and of their sexual encounters with their wives.
And then you're saying on top of that, they're not even really intimately
and emotionally connected to their wives, but they're actually just connected
to the thoughts in their head of which they saw in the pornography.
So there's there's a lot of just like anchors tying
to make it even worse.
You saw, you know, that crazy thing
on whatever website is when you go and have sex, your wife is not the same.
And I go,
shit, You know, I say, my sex life is okay.
Of course it's okay.
Because you, you, you have these illusionary thoughts
and you know what you saw.
That's not reality.
And this is really cool because when I got to really connect
to my wife in a deeper level
and like, just, like, pause during sex
and feel her breasts, like, somatic, I'm like, connecting with the breath
because, you know, when you are very close
to someone, you start getting the same breath.
And I started feeling and I was like, Wow,
sex is getting better at 46 and 46.
Sex is just getting better now.
And when I start to create this intimacy,
my life change.
I was like, I got I got I got to somehow get this man.
There are because like I said, you know, there's many reasons you can go
there's a traumatic experience that you can just like
not receiving love is one you don't know how to do with love.
You don't know how to receive the love.
That was a huge issue for me.
I couldn't receive love. My mom triggered me
and I have to go.
And it was one of the hardest talk I had in my life.
Say, Mom, I got to talk to you.
I want to ask what happened.
I want to ask questions.
And it was beautiful.
And from that moment, I started my healing journey.
And what happened is I my one with my mom, we call the mother wounds.
Mother and father wounds, which we all have it because our fathers,
our caretakers, when they started healing that,
my relationship with my wife started to change
and they started to like, really understand what love is
and that was definitely
a pivotal moment in my life where I was like, Whoa,
I never knew
that I have this hole in my heart.
And going there.
Like I said, it was one of the hardest things I did in my life
just to come sit down
my mom and ask her powerful questions,
like questions that I, I don't want I don't want to ask you.
But I went there
and that's one of the healings that I also work
with a lot of fathers is their parents.
It's a huge part.
And, you know, we are parents, we're going to fail, we're going to do mistakes,
but we can also we do it repair it.
Okay. You know,
I know you like to conceal, but I curse to my kid.
You know, she was 13 and I was like
derechos.
So I just it's like laughing. So.
And I, I, I lost it.
So I walk out of the room
and I did like a somatic breathing.
I was like, okay, you just fucked up.
I accept that.
I can knowledge. That's okay.
Okay. Now I can go there.
I open her door and say, Hey, I'm really sorry
this is going on and I don't want to be like that.
And there nothing that you did wrong was it's, um.
So I think I kind of answer
that question of Dustin is right.
The more stuff
you come out because you know the pornography, it is a huge
it's a huge industry.
You know, there is a I got some numbers from the Internet
and it's about $100 billion industry right now,
you know, and 52%
of men between 39 and 40, 45 are using it.
And then when I'm when I think about that 39 to 45
is when you get your second child, your charges are going up.
And what is left
what is left is create keep creating the connection.
You guys have a podcast here with a guy that sees four things
that fathers should have.
And he said last one was growth
learning.
And that's one of my values
because we have to keep learning.
We have to keep growing and growing.
Our connections
and going back to the very first part,
going, growing and being presence.
How can I be more presence?
You know, just one one more thing about being present
is when you're kids doing something, Oh, God, look at here, you see?
Oh, that's great. That's not being present.
Being present is going down.
It's like, Whoa, tell me more. What?
What do you see that?
How how is this and what is that?
Is it okay, so those connections I didn't have in my life,
you know, and I don't blame my parents
because they do their best with what they knew by that time.
But now I get to research even more, to know more
so I can give even more for my kids.
So you
you discuss, you discuss like past trauma being one of the things
that you had to fix for your your pornography addiction.
You discussed a couple other core issues
that at least triggered the awareness that you needed to quit,
like your intimacy or the lack thereof with your wife.
So with your ultimate guide to end and porn addiction,
what is how are the ways that you address overcoming the struggle
and rebuilding trust with your family for for the men that you teach? So
like I said, you know, each
story is different.
That's why it's important to work someone,
because we can work with that, you know,
like 15 minute video and you watch like, oh, that makes a lot of sense.
And and it's going to be good.
It's going to be great and you're going to do it.
And but something along
the way is going to trigger you back.
So acknowledging that that's a issue.
So that's one of the most guilty thing you come to your wife.
You know, I have I have clients that, you know,
he was six years in pornography and it's like I haven't told her.
I was like, okay,
what do you want to do?
What do you think you should do?
I got to tell her, Go ahead, go her.
You know, you just need to accept that it's okay, man.
We're going to fail. We're not perfect.
So acknowledging that that's a problem
and then want to get knowledge, start asking powerful questions.
You know,
one exercise that I do is the values.
What is the values in your life?
You know, you can say my family,
health and growth, three of my values, right?
Does watching pornography aligns with your family values?
Those watching pornography aligns with your growth.
It's like you fucking gross because again, just things
that are like, just as I enjoy, like George is not here.
So go get me a job.
I'm going to be in trouble.
So I acknowledge that.
Okay.
The second one,
as a man, we like a plan.
It's like, you know what?
I'm going to give you
two weeks, August 20, I'm going to quit.
You know, and I'm going to keep my word.
Then we have an accountability.
You show someone showing a friend saying, Hey, man, I'm facing this problem.
I want you to hold me accountable.
That's why man's group are really
important for that cause.
Or, you know, just have a you know, we we talk about there's a lot of men's group
is great men's romance group what you guys have here is a men's group
you know getting together here on the podcast.
I'm like, you guys are holding each other accountable,
you know, I mean, if one of you guys start doing something
that's like not a line, you're going to call it Lovesick man.
We're talking about these on the podcast and you're doing that.
That doesn't work.
We've had some tough interchanges.
Yeah, we've had too much of it. Now you're not.
Yeah, I'm glad they're accountable.
That's why I say this is our therapy, because we grow with every father that
comes on here, every person and story, and we can learn from their story.
But, you know, it's it's more
not only the stories that change, it's just seeing the effects
that, you know, change brings for all these men and for their families.
We want that for our families. So,
yeah, for sure.
And that's beautiful because you guys are reaching out
with something that's so positive and so needed.
Right now.
We talk a little bit before the masculine side being destroyed
by the feminine movement, you know?
So we got to empower our voice.
I have to growth too, but I want to empower the boys so my girls can have
a man that can hold them,
a man that can lead them,
you know? And I see that with passion.
I can feel it again somatic.
So I can feel it like
my body is going because I want I want a real man for my kids.
I don't want a guidance like just, you know, providing, you know that.
But let's stop here.
Let's go back to Brandon just to finish that, because you see, you
know, you acknowledge the problem.
You the accountability is great.
Sharing someone is really powerful because the guy says, like, dude,
I have the same problem.
And that happens a lot on the containers that I put together.
When one guy speaks some things like, Oh, I'm facing the same thing.
And together we were stronger.
Together is easy to do it.
And as a man, man doesn't need help.
That's how you grew up.
You're that say, Come on, get up, man. Let's go.
Oh, stop crying. Don't do that.
Oh, you can do it.
You know, that's my story.
But I know I speak for a lot of men because we never got to acknowledge
It was like, Oh, you fell, man.
That really hurts.
Like, my dad never said that.
You know, he felt you. Get up, man.
Come on, we got to go.
So those
principles, it's very important to bring it back.
Right?
And then, you know, to finish, I think what really heals
someone to get off pornography is beauty, the intimacy.
And of course, that was my road.
When I start discovering this layer of intimacy men and,
you know, there's a lot of little things that I say, you know, try to hold her
hands like two nights you're going to go out, hold her hands.
Like as soon as you let it go, go back in and grab her hand.
I have a ritual every morning.
Give her my wife a hug and say good morning.
Many days.
I don't want to do it.
But thematically, I know that I need to feel her body.
And when I do it, a few better.
Sometimes not. But it's a process.
I'm putting my money and time on my growth and that is my practice.
A lot of people get a lot of veggies, a lot of information
listening to this podcast here, but when are you going to practice?
You know,
I had a client that was like, Yeah, I know all this information.
I was like, okay, so what are you going to do with the information?
Right?
Knowledge versus application.
Exactly right. Yeah.
So just to finish that, the intimacy is a huge piece
that's going to really you like you don't want to do it more
if you have to really be committed because that's going
to give you the presence and intimacy of your kids,
which sometimes you do understand that Intimacy.
My kids, Yes.
You know, yet you really know them.
They get to feel you get to feel that.
Yeah.
And it's it's so crazy.
What a lot of people don't realize is, you know,
I know we did talk about masculinity and it's because
if you look at all the amazing guys we've had on this show, all of them
talk about one specific thing and that's how society is trying to kill masculinity.
And the traditional father
fathers are supposed to be present, they're supposed to be masculine.
We're supposed to be leaders who lead by example, not by words.
And they're also supposed to be somebody who is
always going to try to do the right thing no matter what their wants,
their needs are. So they're they're not selfish.
But the problem is when you kill masculinity, you're killing a lot of parts
of a healthy relationship that women need to have intimate feelings towards you.
And that's what a lot of guys get into addiction from is lack of intimacy.
They feel like the wife doesn't do anything,
so they're looking for an outlet.
They're looking for somewhere,
you know, that they can go and feel love or feel that dopamine rush.
But what people don't realize is that this is the same addiction as heroin.
It's such a strong dopamine hit that you become trained
to not feel anything, and then you finally just become numb
and you wonder why you don't feel emotions.
It's a never ending cycle.
And that's why guys don't understand is that mass, the killing of masculinity
is what leads to these major issues because your family could be whole.
If you're the masculine role model and you're doing the things that you know.
A lot of our guests give examples to do.
If you do these things like John Michael
Clarke said in this upcoming episode, we get coming out, do these things.
Your wife will not be able to keep her hands off you
and then you won't have to worry about pornography
because you will have the intimacy, you will have,
you know, all the things that you need in life.
You will be present with not only her, but with your kids and everyone else.
There. It's I think it is a never ending cycle.
Once you get in it, it's very hard to get off that wheel.
And I think masculinity and accountability are definitely huge answers.
I really appreciate the fact that you said that because I think
those two for me are what what holds me from doing stuff like that.
Because I think about if I were to use pornography,
I would stop and think,
Oh, well, I'm not doing right by myself.
I'm only hurting myself.
I'm hurting the way I feel on a daily basis.
But I'm also hurting my family because is this the kind of man I want
my kid, my my daughter in the future to marry?
I want a man that doesn't show her affection and love.
Now, of course not.
You want someone is going to be an example of you and your family.
So yeah, that's just my $0.02.
But I appreciate the fact you said those things.
I love that.
There's two things there.
The awareness that you have between,
Oh, I'm going to do pornography, and then there is awareness.
That's a gap.
That's it's that's how you create when you have that
awareness of asking powerful questions.
You know, you don't go that way.
The polarity about the feminine and the masculine is really important
to have it,
you know, like you say, I, you know, even the conspiracy theory, they,
they killing that, you know, the feminine movement is great,
that there's a lot of laws and payments and Yes,
but also we need to understand that we are empowering our boys.
We need to show those kids, hey, you know,
I have an example.
You know, I was in my kid. He switched from a little bike.
He's four years old to a bigger bike, 12 inch wheel to a 16.
You know, it's a huge difference
for him, not for us.
You know, for me, I'm told this little bike, I was just moving to another bike.
So I was like, well, how I'm going to push him
to be a strongman, but also in a lovely way.
So I started to see the problem with his own eyes.
I was like, Well, he is four years old.
It is a huge change.
So I acknowledge that.
I like, wow, that's you go for a big bike.
So I suddenly see the boy's eyes and he would give up
and I always stick with the I was present, although the name
I was present with him, I was like, No, I'm going to see presence.
You know, it's not about that.
Oh, you have to be patient when your parents like, yes,
you have to be patient.
But he also created this connection.
So you was I'm telling you, it was about for our guys.
It wasn't just the I was like, you know what?
Let's go get some food.
Because like, well, maybe he's hungry. Sure, let's feed him.
I was like, okay, we're going to feed.
And my son, he's a little hypersensitive,
so I have to give him a plan.
I need to really understand
what this scenario is all going to go is going to be loud.
So I said, We're going to go get food
and then we're going to come back to this bike lane here
and we're going to try one more time.
He's like, okay, Daddy.
And then
a few, a few tries,
a lot of tries is going to stay for a for about 4 hours. It's
he's riding the bike and say, Dad,
this is the fattest the fastest bike ever.
And I'm going to call it speedy.
I love it.
That's amazing.
Dustin, I think you wanted to say something there.
Yeah, I love to hear that about overcoming those challenges.
I've been teaching my son how to swim,
and he went from a lot of fear to he cannot get enough of the water.
And it just happened overnight over.
Yeah, right about a two or three hour period
of really getting in the pool and getting rid of that fear.
And there is nothing more fun than giving your children those skills
and watching them ride a bike or swam.
It's it's such a wonderful feeling.
I was looking at a
chart a minute ago and I wanted to ask your take on this.
And it seems to be related to triggers for men.
So erectile dysfunction was about 15 to 20% of the population
in young men under 40 back in the 1970s.
And it looks like it's getting closer to 40 or 50%
among men under 40 for Americans today.
So it's a very big problem.
And some of that is probably due to obesity, health issues, things like that.
But I wonder if some of it is due to the brain kind
of being rewired by pornography to where
they're only interested in what they see on the computer versus, you know,
with their with their relationships.
I'm curious your take on that.
Well, my my take will be will go to being physical.
I think when you stop being physical
and I mean exercising and pushing
that, that's going to affect your brain.
You know, many studies
how to keep your brain health is exercising.
So I preach that for my kids.
I do believe.
There is no better way to take care of.
Well, I'm going to go
a little different here because I'm running expert on that. But
I cope with my traumas
because of my martial arts.
I had a lot of anger.
I was like, I am exploding any time.
Let's fight, let's.
And you know that
when the somatic came, I started to process anger,
which is physical.
So going back to that just and
I think the problem today
is it's okay to have
the battle
as a dad.
It's became very comfortable
to not work out, not do something.
I do martial arts. I don't sing my whole life.
I teach martial arts.
Then so many I think every every father should do much.
Every man should do martial arts.
Because first of all,
you providing safety,
you know, there is for now, this is
this is cool because I know the movie a little bit over.
But for you to build intimacy for your wife, she needs to be safe
sometimes.
Sometimes it's financial, emotional,
sometimes it's physically.
We have to go back to traumas
because if she was, you know, her father used to beat her up,
She she's going to look for a man that can protect her.
There's no doubt about it.
She's not going to get a weak guy.
Doesn't mean, oh, yeah, maybe he's financially successful, but
if that doesn't have the physical,
she's not going to.
So for me,
all these numbers that we see, like, you know, things getting worse
and worse is about we getting back
to our principles of
of being a man, being the protector.
Read, Hey, I'm here to protect you.
You know, I'm here to make you feel,
you know, and this is the somatic comes into it.
If you walk in the street, it's dark under your wife.
There's two guys coming in the first name
where there's grab my wife, my hand, her hands.
She's going to feel it that, hey, I'm here,
you know, so
I think that moving the body,
it's really important.
And I think that's where the gap is happening right now.
I okay.
And look, he's learned by example
this year that growing the is like, oh, you know what?
I don't need to do exercise.
I don't need to care of my body is okay, look at my dad.
He doesn't take care of his body weight to
that makes sense, does it?
I know it's a little I was trying to point out the dad bod is not great.
I know. We joke about it all the time. Oh, you have a dad bod.
Big deal. It's in.
And yeah, a big belly, you know, makes a lot of things that you want to work.
Not work as well.
Your knees hurt your brains in a sharp and you know,
your baby downstairs isn't firing on all cylinders like it used to be.
That's that's
levels will rise as you exercise right.
It's basics like basic math, you know and we are human beings.
We're supposed to be moving, you know, we're not supposed to be seen.
You not supposed to be on squeeze the whole time.
You know, I have a lot of practice that.
I do for my sleep, for like, not being online,
you know, being present, for example.
There's two things that I do.
My phone, you know, after my shower.
It's about 8:00, 8 p.m.
is off.
I put on airplane mode when I wake up in the morning
until the kids are out of in the car going to school.
I don't turn on my phone.
I don't have any distractions there because one thing comes
and everything comes like, you know, that's no, I'm going to take the kids.
I'm going to be present this morning, the kids, because that's the
time that I have with them,
you know.
So but the dad that doesn't doesn't do for me.
I unfortunately and I have a lot of judgment
and I kind of let it like I have to coach myself.
They know.
So you don't know their story just but well,
the physicality behind it is definitely an element.
But there's definitely another neuro neurological and a psychological element
there, too, because for pornography addiction time and time again
has as far as like testing and scientific research has shown
that it results in physical changes, specifically in the shrinking
of gray matter and your brain. Right.
It diminishes executive function.
You're you're you're critical to affect decision making your control.
It diminishes and it creates a loss of healthy neurons.
So there's a lot of things that
mentally
pornography will destroy in your in your mind.
And we see that because there's a degradation.
And one of the really interesting things that I've seen, like Jordan Peterson
and a couple other psychologist talk about is
people with psychosis like psychotic people
or sociopathic people all the ones that ended up
being mass murderers or serial killers or anything like that.
They usually point back their their start of their journey was pornography.
And so it's definitely a very dangerous slippery
slope for a lot of men, unfortunately.
And and I can't stress enough that that it just
it is thrashing men's brains and they don't they don't realize it
they're just focused on the the ecstasy of of the
the quick satisfaction of it.
And it's so sad.
And that's why I try to help encourage dads to to remove it from their lives.
And there are apps that help with that.
One of them specifically being
the covenant eyes.
I've helped a couple of men be held accountable.
I would hold them accountable on their
their pornography addiction to help them quit.
And so when I would see a report, the report would tell me
whether or not and then looking at pornography
and if they have, I call up say, hey, brother, well, we need to discuss this.
You know, we got to we got to work on this.
So what happened? What triggered it?
And how do we help you to not be triggered by this?
How do we hope to cope?
Like you said, exercise, diet,
you know, things that help you control yourself mentally.
So, yeah, that's that's one of the things that just
it's really bothered me because I've seen so many men affected by it and Daniel,
one of my questions to you is you were discussing how you want to
to raise your boys, to be to be good men, to be masculine men.
How are you through your your one, your guide and to your coaching?
How are you coaching them to stay away from pornography?
The first thing is to talk about it.
Okay.
Sex is something that
my parents never talked about it to me.
And then when I got out in the streets about 13 years old
to become a man, I had to have sex.
So my story around sex was all messed up.
So the first thing is have open conversations about sex.
And that goes all the time.
You know, me and my wife and I have to give this
a lot of to my wife
because she never had any problem
talking about my kids, about sex.
If we think about sex
is the most beautiful thing we have, it's how we're made.
That's that's life right there.
And through the years, there's all this.
You know, of course, there's pornography. There's. But
it became something that's dirty.
And, you know, there is a lot of women
that are reading power, like sex coaches that like, bring that back.
And I think for my boy,
you know, I have two girls and one boy, but four for all of them.
I want to I want to talk about it
when I talk about it,
they have the right to talk about.
That's how they feel.
So when I'm sharing, they feel that they can share.
If I if I cried through, they can cry.
So they that's the that they're learning by example.
If I'm coming to it to my boy and say you know yeah you know you know,
getting nicknames, all these nicknames like, oh, this is your penis,
you know, that's her
vagina, vulva, whatever you want to call started there.
You know, on the way here,
I was dropping my daughter to
volleyball, 14 years old.
And I say, Oh, I'm going to look for a podcast.
It's going to be about pornography.
She's like, It's like, Yeah, unfortunately it is a huge topic nowadays.
And I mean, 90%
of children under 12,
okay, are using pornography.
So, okay, we get the kids here.
9% of just a 90%.
Daniel 9999 is my my broke English here after 23.
I still such a shocking number but 9% if you're 12 years old.
Hold on
how you getting access
and then that's your parents that that's your fall
now control your kids
system you're not protecting right now
you're not involved in their life enough to know that this is occurring.
Exactly
how come a nine years old is going to getting into this?
You know, that's you need to be aware.
You know, I understand that you go to the restroom,
got to put your kid on the baby, the iPad, whatever.
I'm against that.
I make a plan. I have I have several games.
They do the day with my four year old and there is no phone for him.
There is nothing because he's going to start to know late at all.
When he's nine, he can do anything.
So, you know, when you think about the number,
I always go back to the number.
35% of downloads are pornography
on the Internet today,
35%, one third of
what is available, which you have so much great information here today
is pornography.
We need to take action.
You guys, you're taking action.
Bring it up and let's bring the subject.
Let's talk more.
Let's go there.
You know, because it's not okay.
Right. Especially for children.
And the good news is there's a lot of states
last month, I think it was maybe two or three weeks ago
that recently passed a bill that requires a specific
signature log in in order for people to access pornography.
And so the age restriction thing is starting to become a real relevant thing.
And they're actually building it to where you can literally
go to any of these websites.
And it shows that you have to sign these things
and you have to prove your age.
And that involves like ID verification, stuff like that.
And so that's a great first step.
But then unfortunately we have things like Onlyfans
and we have people just exacerbating that issue.
Like a lot of young younger men, especially gamer generation,
are just they call it something, or, or lusting after women.
And it's an unfortunate side effect because there's there's
only a specific group of men
that women target as far as, you know, who they chase after,
who they select as potential mates and or potential husbands.
And the rest of them are left to fend for themselves and loneliness and isolation.
And then they look on the Internet and they have anything that fulfills
any kind of destiny or fan ization that they want.
And so it's it's a very unfortunate byproduct of having Internet. But
I love Dustin.
Just Justin, I'd love for you guys to jump in and maybe touch on that as well.
That's
so I read an article yesterday that Andreessen Horowitz,
which is a prominent multibillion dollar venture capital firm, is developing
specialized kind of relationship chat bot essentially that will be
I like the most beautiful woman you can imagine.
And then, you know, she's empowered to talk to you.
And so I'm curious, Daniel, your thought on,
you know, how how are men going I mean, you know, pornography
in the seventies is very different, you know, than it is today.
It's it's a whole different experience.
And as these companies are pouring probably millions of billions of dollars
into these new technologies to just target the limbic system directly,
you know, what?
What do you do aside from just staying away from it
and closing your eyes and running away, screaming?
It's you know, it's interesting. These these new
you know, it's a
I made me sick when you when you mentioned that
because it is a 12 and really $12 billion industry.
It's insane.
You know,
how do you fight that?
It's like, you know, you want to fight the government
about how the health care system works.
It's almost impossible.
So it is empowering
the leaders of the family, which are the fathers.
It is what are we doing right here?
You know, because we're going to connect
with this.
We don't have a was was great information.
Okay.
We can get a lot more. Yes.
But with this information here,
there is another father, Allison.
And there's another one.
And another one is there's no effect, you know, is know by facts, little by little,
we're going to
be starting to understand that this must be talked.
This got to be exposure
a lot more than it is because everything is hidden.
If you see, of course, you know, it's the.
But when I say pornography,
a lot of people, you know, one of my first balls and I started becoming coach.
I have friends in Brazil calling this like, Hey, dude, what's going on?
And what's going on with the pornography thing?
Yeah, let's talk about pornography.
I think bring this subject.
Having more podcast is podcasts which are open
platform for rich people sharing as much as they can.
And if you see someone with that issue say, Hey man,
let me support you.
You know, if you don't have if you cannot
give itself that support, like, Hey, I know where you can go,
it's a big fight, man.
Well, I was going to say
the one thing that that I've always found leads men down
dark roads is just one feeling, and that's loneliness.
We've all felt loneliness.
We all feel alone as men, especially in a world like today's.
Let's just be honest.
The world, it separates us as much as it possibly can from each other.
And loneliness is definitely something that
I have a lot of even combated still to this day.
I mean, I feel, you know, issues with that every now and again.
But loneliness in they actually did I read something yesterday
when we were preparing for this.
There was a study, it's called in Pornography Use in Loneliness, a bi
directional recursive model and pilot.
So literally four doctors studied almost 1300 patients and they found
that pornography use begets loneliness and loneliness begets pornography.
It's so it's just a vicious cycle.
The lonelier you feel, the more you want pornography.
And the more pornography you use, the longer you feel.
So it's just it's it's never ending.
And they found that, you know porn use regardless
of someone's situation significantly increased loneliness.
So that's something that a lot of men already struggle
with anyways is loneliness and feeling like they don't have support.
So I think you, you mentioning support is definitely one of the biggest things
because we we as men, we all feel those things We want it
all but it right there once
you acknowledge that that's the first step
you know once you have more people talking about
and bringing that on, we're going to realize,
oh, maybe I should take a bigger look into this
and ask some questions and just talk a little bit more.
You know,
it's scary when you what do we just share here?
This is powerful, man. This is scary.
I think as more we talk about it,
as more we expose what really does
to your brain, to your body.
That's the only tools you have right now.
Yeah.
And the 2 to 2
key things that will always
combat the good is, one, we have a moral decay of society, right?
We have a lot of fatherless children.
We have a lot of young men that that have no moral compass whatsoever.
And it's just whatever their pleasure temptation is at the time
they seek it, whether it's drugs, gaming, sex, anything.
And unfortunately, the world is hypersexualized and hyper connected.
And those two things usually go hand in hand, unfortunately.
And there's there's numerous other things that I think
one of the hardest pills to swallow is that a lot of people are weak minded,
and so they have to be codependent,
that they can't sit with loneliness or boringness.
It just like it's one of the things that they whether it's trauma
or whether it's some kind of past event, whatever it is, they can't sit with that.
They have to go from one relationship to the next.
They can't they can't take a break and say, okay,
what was my hand in my failed relationship?
What was my hand in this addiction?
And they can't sit in it.
They always have to pass to the next thing, one after the other.
And it's so unfortunate because like you said, if there's an awareness, it's like,
okay, I need to find a brotherhood, stop isolating,
I need to have accountability, I need to steal my mind.
I need to be able to be by myself, feel lonely,
feel whatever emotions that I have except them, pass through them,
and then work on making the good emotions, the ones that are prevalent
by practicing things that make me healthy.
Right?
And so it's such a hard pill to swallow for a lot of people.
They don't want to accept the fact that they can't be alone.
They're codependent or they have, you know, multiple personality disorder.
You know, a lot of psychology there.
But yeah, it's it's an unfortunate thing
because all these things work together against somebody.
Right.
And so I think you're right with the awareness part.
It's it's a very important part of of the piece of the puzzle there.
But you touched on something big, too.
Something else that I didn't get to mention from that study.
I read about the two greatest deterrents that they found of the 1300 participants
was greater religious value and higher education,
or the two largest deterrents from pornography use.
Wow. So
just put those do it do with that what you will I guess.
Yeah and you know
being a role model
you know when you are presence where you build intimacy if you share kids
see you know mom and dad kissing, hugging, holding hands,
all of that's being a role model for our kids.
That's one of the biggest solutions
because our kids are our future.
So if maybe the generation that's now lost and feeling lonely
cannot handle that, I'm not sure what's going to happen.
But we can do with our kids the next generation.
We can show them, we can guide, we can lead,
we can support them and show them, Hey, this is the way.
And that's what a father is.
Hey, man, this is the way, you know,
like you go back to, like, pushing your kids, you know, the way
this is doing here to go to war.
I do. I'm sorry. You know, like
I'm your father.
About your father. What it was.
I forgot. I know.
My son's name is Lucas, I love to say and Luke, but I am your father.
So, you know,
being the father,
that's. That's not a gift.
Understanding fatherhood. A gift.
You get to be the leader
and have these choose, you know, how are you going to lead them?
You know, awareness.
Again, you know, the awareness of like
how I'm going to be my kids.
So what are you just just
looking at how we're having to adapt
as fathers, You know, the modern father, so to speak.
How do you envision a father adapting, like,
let's say, some of the key attributes to being an effective father?
Other outside of awareness and and education?
Is there anything specific that you think would help them become better fathers?
Can you ask one more time the question?
Sure, Sure. So,
you know, fathers are evolving
and there's a lot of things like technology that make us evolve and,
you know, those kind of things.
So is there anything like attribute wise that you think would make a father
more effective in his fatherhood journey?
Yeah, I mean, there is a lot of things, you know,
we will help the
that's
one exercise that I love is the values.
So when I do my values,
I can do everything.
All my actions based on the values.
If I'm in trouble, I don't really
understand
if I should go right or left is equal to my values.
Say, you know, like I say, family is my value growth.
Growth is very important for a father.
A father must be seeking to grow,
seeking to build more
with the kids, with the family, whatever, for himself itself.
One thing that I
when they started my containers of
is what are you doing for yourself?
You got to put yourself first.
You're not being selfish.
Not at all.
You got to put yourself first.
Oh, no.
But my. Well, create the time.
You know, I like to serve, so I create the time.
Sometimes it's five in the morning,
you know, Sometimes they say, Hey,
my wife
said I was going to say love, but then just it's going to make fun of me.
So I say, Hey, love, I'm not going to give out of that
and say, Hey, love, I really got to go surfing.
The waves are crashing and I know the day is crazy.
So I'm going to set up the breakfast.
I'm going to put the
clothes of the four
year old going to where I'm going to make his lunch.
Is there anything else you need for me to go?
I'm not giving much an option.
I can say that I'm going surf, but I am setting her for success as well.
And then look in the evening you can go do yoga, whatever.
You get your 3 hours.
I love it.
So going back to that rhythm,
I have a program that is coming up in October.
Go fill it up.
You got to fill it up your cup first.
So that's right.
That gets lost because, like I know I got to do that for my wife.
I got to do that for my kids. I get it.
But first, what are you doing for yourself?
You have a life.
You got to fulfill that life.
Oh, yeah. My kids view my life. My wife of round.
I get it.
But a what do you like to do if you have a magical one and have 2 hours or know?
Well, what do you like to do? Go sit with that question.
You know, it's not like, Oh, I will do this.
I don't know.
I'm going to do this.
So we need to know that.
So that's awareness of like, what what I really want.
I want my family to succeed and everything, but what I want for myself.
I want I, for example, I need to feel good.
So I'm going to show up for my kids
I'm going to show up for my wife.
So if I feel out of my cup,
then I'm going to be the best version of myself.
And that's one of the biggest piece as well.
For a man to accept that you're not being selfish,
you deserve this.
I really like that
and I can't make it either.
So I'm not happy, you know, I have to have my cup full before I can.
I can get my Somebody needs.
I took my son to karate lessons for the first time today.
He's three and a half.
And it's interesting what you mentioned, because I see so many dads and moms
that don't really participate, that bring their children
to an activity like baseball, for example.
And they sit and they watch and they have no interaction at all.
And I took my son to karate and he's young.
So of course that's part of it.
When he's older, they might not be as encouraging,
but they said, do the punches and the kicks with him.
So I did an hour karate lesson with my son.
Dustin got beat up. I Yeah, exactly. My
sensei is this lovely 75 year old woman.
And you know, I have some red marks on my face that should be out.
But, you know, that's okay.
She's just skilled about, you know, it's not emasculating, but.
But doing that with him brought me a lot of joy.
And I think that's something that I'm going to make a point of,
is that if I'm going to have my yeah, I'm going to drive my son to an activity.
I'm going to be involved in some way, whether it's as a coach
or as an umpire or something.
I'm not going to sit on the bleachers for 3 hours
and not be a part of it because that's just, you know, it
disconnects you from your children and that's, you know, that's no fun.
You have to go out and do some stuff with your kids yourself. So,
Dana, you had mentioned some things
about rites of passage, how you as an adult are going to do something.
Do you have anything special that you have done with your kids
where you say, all right, instead of just all right,
you went to college or you got a job or you had sex, you know, these are
kind of our traditional rites of manhood, so to speak.
Do you have anything special that you've set aside for your children
where you say, all right, these are some unique things
that I'm going to teach you that mean that you've become a man or become a woman?
I love that. Yes.
Before my both kids get their period,
my wife starts to put a book together.
And what a woman what being a woman means.
The menstruation is something beautiful.
And every kid
that you ask is like, Oh my God, she's disgusting.
Is this.
Is that so?
And there's a lot of woman
that has trauma about the first period
there traumatize for life, you know.
I know because in the year that we
we coach that was women's I am really showing that
so we made a rite of passage
for my kids when they got their period.
We talk
a while back that's going to happen to your body and that's beautiful
bleeding.
That's how life happens.
It's sacred.
So we did this kind of ritual.
We've done,
and it's still ongoing, you know?
Exactly. It's super positive.
It is positive.
How are you being born is because your mother had a period
you know, that's it's you know, it's a spiritual, beautiful thing. So
our rites of passage for
my girls, of course, for the boys are going to be different.
But us teaching them
all this about a woman's body, what's going to happen.
And when they period came, they were fine.
It was not a shocking It's like, Oh, I got my period,
you know, Of course they share a little bit more with my wife,
but you know that I need to go get pats like, oh, let's go.
You know, this like last week, you know, she's 13.
You know, I felt like, wow, Well, is she saying in a way that was like and,
you know, here's the thing.
You have a thousand opportunities to build intimacy for kids if you pay attention.
But we're busy, so we stop,
drop the phone, drop everything,
turn off everything and start just to pay attention on them
being present with them.
And, you know, I was really excited because I, I caught I was like,
Oh, that felt so good to my ears when she said that.
It's such an ego that you need to go buy pads.
Let's go.
You know?
So my rites of passage for the girls was, you know, me and my wife
and my wife was the one that was like really putting a lot of time together.
I'm still going to finish from like the end of this year.
We finished the whole thing.
It was that a lot of the thing
was when they moved my 14 years
old, she's going to high school now.
We made a rite of passage with a group of
eight kids,
me and my wife.
We invite their friends like, Hey,
to do the rite of passage for them because it's another mark on your life.
So we meet a ritual, meet a ceremony.
Me and my wife conduct the ceremony.
We brought them together.
We did a beautiful thing.
We did several little things that was important.
And it's a mark on their life.
Going from middle school to high school.
The middle school process is really important, you know?
I mean, I know that we are a little had Brando has a nine years old.
So you go into that phase of you're going to see when the kingdom comes at 11,
he is going to like kind of like
glue to the friends now
and how you bring them back, being present, chasing
those 1000 opportunities that we have, saying something, connecting,
you know, asking powerful questions, all these little things.
So that was my process for my girls.
I have a 13.
She has one more year in the middle school and we're going to do another ceremony.
If it's just her going to do just her, we're going to stop.
We're going to dress up.
We're going to go to a beautiful place.
We're going to write each other a letter.
And you know what she represents And all of that's
for my boy.
My goal is to do a rite of passage.
I am doing 146
in the end of October,
so I'm going to this desert
and I'm going to be by myself without any food,
without a shelter for four days.
It was nice knowing you.
I'm glad we get to chat with you before
I scare those that so.
Jenna Zuma is a coach and he does this program.
He then so many so many men he works with men.
So is a good guy for guys to bring you here.
Jerry Zuma I've seen these information.
He's been doing
men's work for a long time and
that's going to be my rite of passage because I didn't have that.
And I feel that I need to face something really change because I rite of passage.
When you say something that really challenge,
you know, and I'm putting myself out there,
you know, I'm going to being this place that I don't know where it is.
And for my son, I want to do something similar with that.
I probably want a theme to nature and say,
Hey, maybe he's been one night by himself.
I'll keep an eye whatever I need to do.
It, but I want to do something like that.
So now you know those I love the chance this question,
because I think that's really important to mark
a transition
from a kid to a teenager teenager to a man.
And let's say we bring back to the city today more than days
how are we going to create is this rite of passage with my kids
mens are very creative.
We we we're going to do something so we're going to we're going to bring
hey, look, you're going to become a man that know you're going to explain to him.
We're going to tell him what are we going to do?
Maybe We're going to climb a mountain.
Maybe if you you know, Dustin, your son is swimming.
We're going to swim across this channel here.
You know,
I, in my opinion,
got to be something that overcoming a challenge
and supporting him through the challenge.
You know, of course, we want to bring something that's doable.
We don't want to say, hey, you want to climb Mount Everest?
No, that's not going to work.
But, you know, bring
back to the city to the more days, you know, like, you know, I'm
going to do a 20 mile bike ride, you know,
and that's going to celebrated and we're going to sit down
maybe in a fire and say, hey, what is your biggest challenge doing that?
How was it? And going to talk about it
and you're going to give him a gift.
It could be a little thing.
You say, hey, brother, brother.
No, but hey, he is a gift coach.
Remember this moments,
you know.
So I'm recognizing that that kid is becoming a man.
So that's how I would bring, you know,
that rites of passage
to the mother and father's situation.
It's awesome.
You gave me some great ideas for my son.
I'm going to give him some challenges, go hiking and do some
hunting and fishing and gather and, you know, teach them, teach him
some of the ways of the world and create some challenges for him
and and celebrate it.
I think that be great or even do it with a group, you know?
Yeah. Yeah.
And there are groups out there, you know, that does that, you know.
But if you can't, you see for example, like fishing, fishing is, you know, the
first door
for like the hunting you can set up like we're going to go fishing.
But here's the thing, going to wake up, we're not going to eat the dead, the fish,
you know, hopefully we get the fish, but
I little tried, but I know that he's got some snacks in the bag.
I didn't say that.
That's right. Yeah.
Get that.
Get that glycemic index that's got
something here.
That's it's kind of a joke. But, you know,
our kids are solely comfortable today.
This is like, oh, there is like snacks.
I think.
You know what I give my kids some time for?
You know, I just think water that in one of these
bags like the buddy got to go back home because we only have water.
Well we go now.
You know if I say we have water, I'll let you have the water.
Okay, Let's go back home.
So creating this tube
is also showing them that, hey, you're powerful.
You know, you you you have powerful.
You know,
maybe you didn't catch the fish was like, you know, we spent 6 hours there fishing.
I'm so proud of you because you stick it.
And I know you want it didn't happen.
But you know, he's your guest because that was a big challenge.
Tell me about it.
You know, so
we think reading so many rites of passage is there's many ways to do it.
And you can go back to the ancient tradition of the indigenous,
whatever your lineage come from you, You know, that's a great idea.
And I like the
idea of tying privileges and responsibilities to that as well.
So you're 15 years old, you've passed the right, you've caught the fish.
But now in addition to that, you get the privilege of being allowed
to go outside by yourself for 8 hours, whereas you weren't allowed to before.
But then the responsibility is that if you do something wrong,
you lose that privilege, right?
So I think tying that together with one major moment while you were together
really cements at home that I was serious when I said these are your
your privileges and responsibilities and they can be taken away.
So that that's kind of an interesting option there, too.
Yeah. And that's great.
And bring it back to stick with that.
You know, when you say no, it's a no.
You know,
when you take that, that's an issue with younger kids.
You know, when you say no,
no, no.
And then you go, yes that's not good.
You know, you broke that, then he knows that you can always
he's going to go for that, you know, until you say yes.
So, yeah, that's worse than if you just said yes the whole time.
Yeah, yeah.
Five no's and a yes.
All here's yes and this is leadership.
This is like really teaching your kids, you know what it means to be a father.
They hey, this is a no no.
My four year old, I say, Hey, buddy, I told you that's a no.
And that is non-negotiable.
That's it's a no. And it's a no.
He's going to go and do it. Yes.
You know, he's a four years old, but this is a no.
And he understood.
Yeah, that's so important.
And I know my son's already starting to play, my wife and I
to where he'll ask mom.
And then if she says no, he'll come ask me
and I have to and I'll see other teams find it.
Let me go check with your mom first.
That she had a reason to say no.
I will say I see what you did, buddy.
I just checked with your mom. You guys against each other?
Yeah.
Yeah, exactly.
She said no, I don't know why, but what she said goes.
So yeah, that that's a no. Sorry buddy.
That, that doesn't end either.
So I guess I'm going to.
I guess I know he's still doing it.
And I said, Son, whatever your mother says,
if, if this is something that like me and my wife, anything we've agreed
upon beforehand, if she answers now, I know for a fact I'm going to answer no.
So I tell my son, Whatever she says is what exactly what I'm going to say,
end of story.
And you need to accept her word
as as as it needs to be.
I mean, it's that simple.
And boy, they'll cry.
Okay, I understand.
I'm sorry you're upset, but it's a lot of work to the now.
I wonder how could this happen?
You know, when you consider that divorced homes and different rules,
you know, when you consider how many spouses, how many are on the same page,
I'll bet it's not the majority of kids now that have that kind of discipline where,
you know, no means no. That's that's tough.
Yeah.
I'm coaching a father right now, which they're divorced.
And my point was, like, he.
I know that, you know, I'm married anymore, but you guys got to come
to common senses and dry those boundaries together
because it's not going to work hearing that. So
it's the
same foreign thing to have the same, you know, yes, here and no there.
So we keep that on it.
Yeah.
And it's it's it goes back to, you know, you saying you have to fill your cup up,
it being in those situations, having your cup full
makes it easier to handle and tackle those objectives with your spouse.
A lot, lot better.
For instance, something that I wanted to share with dads and with you guys,
something I've been doing my wife lately.
I saw a video as a TED Talk X person.
She was very intelligent.
She had I think she was a psychoanalyst or so.
Anyway, lost her short.
She was a psychologist and she and her husband practice something
and I thought it was so genius when she comes home or he comes home
and one of them is just not feeling the responsibilities of home
or one of them is feeling drained or she's tired.
So they'll say, Hey, I'm at 10%, I'm 50.
Okay, I got the other 85, other 90, don't worry about it.
And that that has helped Ainsley and I so much like that
because I come home and I'm just exhausted are so come home.
She's the same.
She's had a long day of patients and it's like, babe, I'm at a 20
and she's pregnant.
So, of course, you know, more days.
It's going to be her being at 20.
And even if I'm not, it's more if I if I even if I'm not at 80,
I suck it up and I have to be like, okay, all right.
I carry the vote.
You know, I got this.
So it's it's been something great.
And I think a lot of a lot of, you know, not only keeping your cup,
so but a lot of couples need to start practicing out is
is communicating where you are at mentally and physically
because that that is something that will that kind of
communication is something that's picked by your children.
You know, you talk about rites of passage
and all these things that are teaching children.
Great communication is part of that as well.
So I this is
is the second module that I teach is communication.
When when to go to my container is like, how is the communication with your
I the real deeper communication like, you know, that is beautiful.
What do you what do you share?
Just in grade two, you need to have tools for communication,
you know, because
your wife has a different story to you.
She communicate in a way.
You communicate in another way.
Most men doesn't know how to communicate. Why?
Just like myself, my father didn't communicate with me.
My father never asked, Hey, how you feeling?
I was like, I don't know, I.
I'm not feeling anything.
You know what that means?
I don't know what that means, you know?
So that's where my anger works.
Starts to come when I start to understands, like, Oh, I'm angry.
And then my wife would say something like, Oh, that's more angry.
Let me.
Process is anger.
Let's start to figure it out where this anger comes from.
That's why I started doing the somatic, which it's I, I get it.
It's not easy to tell a man, hey, let's breathe.
Let's just, like, see what's present in your body right now.
Let's scan your body.
I was like, I'm not doing that shit, man.
I have something else to do.
Let's go away.
Let's go, like, clean the car or vacuum the house.
But I don't want to stop and really lay down the floor to breath work.
But it was super powerful
then.
Is someone asking you a deeper question?
I can relate to Nancy.
Whoa.
That was a deeper question. That's the first thing.
Things like, okay, let me see what my body's telling me,
you know,
because the body, like I said before, the body keeps this core.
Everything's stored in the body.
So when you starts to release that, we start to feel it.
We start to connect more and greater Intimacy again goes on and on.
But communication, that's a beautiful
brain to that, love that
so outside of your your coaching program with the somatic and all that stuff,
what other resources or tools do you recommend to fathers
who want to continue their own personal development journey?
You know, I'm going to say a men's group
is a is a powerful tool is that we and the men's group here's the thing.
You know, like I said, you know, I'd be a part of a few.
And once
you feel safe to share,
that's where things happen because you can go to a men's group
and don't feel
don't feel comfortable on that.
But do you can you keep coming and you keep seeing that?
So I think that's one thing.
The second thing is to put the work on himself.
You know, it could be physical or mentally,
you know, learning more or like, you know, I need to move more filling up the cup.
I think those two things goals,
you know, I want to keep it simple, trying to keep it doable.
You know, one thing quick here, I have a another client
eating, eating issues and then we go back to his trauma where his mom said,
hey, you have to clean up your plates, otherwise you don't eat.
Can I play?
So eating is trauma was about that.
So he had like I mean, I you know, overweight.
I was like, I don't have the time.
We will have this like, okay, let's do this.
I'm going to do that. And I did with him.
We did fasting, we did, you know, not eating late
and all this without adding any exercise.
So when they say, I don't have time for this, that's not true.
That's not an excuse to put you.
That's because I lost £10
doing this thing with him without doing any extra workouts.
Just basically on the diet
and having the accountability chart.
And we're going to do it.
You know, we we took we took actually just processed food out
and three days a week of fasting for 60 hours. So
for the ones that says like, go, I don't have time for this,
that's not true.
You can create that that somehow.
Absolutely.
And the final question I'll wrap this up on is
share your favorite story or memory as a dad,
what would that be?
And that's a question that hits me.
And I can only start crying right now because that is the prayer for my kids
and then, you know, hard to share.
But I oh,
yeah, I was just, you know, when my first one, they were all born at home.
All three kids, All two kids also was born
in a pool of water.
But this is my favorite story.
When there my wife was she was in intense labor.
You know, they were the women through.
We have no idea. And
that was a moment that she stops.
You know, she said, I love my life I'll never forget the moment.
And then after that you'll superintend.
So then she stops, says, that was like the lines are like, Whoa, that was.
And then right that I go down
and I put my hands under and my kid came
and I got to hold my first baby.
And then I got to do that two more times.
It was like the gift of being a father,
you know, This is my
there's no other memory that I have that we all overcome this.
I'm just like holding my first, second and third child.
It was just a dream come true.
And and one thing want to say that time is like, I want to be a father.
But when I started my journey with my fatherhood was like, No,
I want to be the best father as I can be.
No father on this earth is going to be me.
I'm going to give me my presence, my 100%.
Of course, I'm not there yet. I'm far away.
But it's my goals.
Like, I'm going to do it, you know, and I'm going to be similar age to the same.
I want to say no. I say no. I'm going to teach them violence.
I'm going to teach them to ride a bike, and I'm going to be presence.
Because I remember one thing when I did the restroom for ten years, I wasn't.
And again, you know,
I have a lot of guilt of not being present, but
I can really it I yeah, I can be present now
I can offer that because it's the thing about
quality over quantity
is when you really give your 100%.
So I my goal is to give you 100%.
But that was a heavy question just and you had to remove that man.
I'm sorry.
I certain. Wow.
Oh, so, Daniel, where where can everybody find you?
Where where can people plug in to your program?
The best one is to go to their website, the AP coaching dot com.
Sign up for our newsletter.
There is a program that I'm putting
I actually I have a webinar
free webinar on August 26,
26. I think it's 8 a.m.
my time.
So you'll be 1010 Central.
Oh oh. I'll put some links.
I will promise that we'll post it with the Yeah,
we'll have the webinar which will be about pornography.
Okay.
And then I have another webinar with Free as well.
It's September 17.
That's the first things first time I forgot the title,
but is for the first time, is that because those guys, they're walking
to a father who without any supports I did that many us just stop.
It's like, Oh, I'm a father now.
So what I do, oh, you know, you can learn how to change a diaper in
the second day.
You know, if you feel.
But to really offer what your kid needs
in every stage of life because he's going to change you guys.
Not that every time, every three or four months, it changes.
We need support.
So we didn't have that. So these are our issues.
That is a fourth pillar is you,
your wife, your kids and the everybody together.
So how we do that is a very simple one.
But I love to point because we we can forget about the relationship over a wife.
And first year is like you like all over.
You do everything but you forget about yourself.
So we have to have reminders of all those little things.
So I have those two webinars.
That's a good way to connect.
And then, you know, Instagram, I'm on and off, to be honest.
I'm sometimes I'm on empty a lot of information.
Sometimes I'm going a step out.
But the website to be the best
place to go
and that for those that are listening that is WW dot
VIP coaching dot com.
So as we conclude this powerful episode with you Daniel
we first just want to extend our sincere gratitude for you
and you sharing your wisdom and your journey with us, your passion
for guiding fathers to become better leaders is truly commendable.
I personally look forward to following you and seeing your program.
You know, the dad and coach that in progress.
Coaching to continue the impact that's out there.
I'm excited to see what you have in store for the future.
So again, thank you, Daniel, for being a driving force and empowering us
to be the better fathers that we can be and your dedication
to positive discipline and leadership, that's really inspiring. So
for all of our viewers, just remember
take these valuable insights to heart and join us in striving
to be the best fathers that we can be like Followers share this when you get it.
Stay tuned for more empowering episodes.
And until then, let's get back to climbing the mountain of fatherhood together.
Thank you.
And remember, be present, be intentional and be strong fathers.
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